BREAKING: State Theater Open This Whole Time

Lacey Donovan, 43, distributed talking points to all available media outlets late this morning to counter rumors, perpetuated for decades, that the State Theater is, has been, or ever will be closed.

“Do people not know we’re open for business?” Donovan, a volunteer for the historical cinema, pondered in her circular. “I always leave disappointed by the lack of turnout for our film noir retrospectives, documentary premieres, and art house nights. We’ve been open this whole time!”

Apparently the age-old jokes comparing the State Theater to Gaudí’s La Sagrada Familia or the Crazyhorse Memorial prove unfounded.

The Prairie Turnip reached out to Donovan for further comment and to inquire about showtimes, but our award-losing journalists were instead directed straight to a voicemail explaining the Theater’s temporary closure for renovations.