The more than thirty miles of contiguous bike lanes encircling Sioux Falls expect an unprecedented number of failed health goals this Summer. Michelle Worthy, a spokesperson for the Trails, cited an early warm spell and a projected temperate season for the spike.
“Whether it’s to lose weight, get in shape, or generally improve health outcomes, we anticipate record levels of good intentions gone wrong this year,” Worthy warned. “Already in late-March, we’ve seen high levels of one-time bikers and joggers quitting from lack of will, injury, or other commitments.”
The Prairie Turnip caught up with one such loser who was noticeably dejected and walking their bike back to the parking lot after exiting the Tomar Park entrance to the Trails. The despicable individual, asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals at work, tried to justify their uninspired performance.
“It’s a lot harder than it looks from the Interstate,” the human sloth remarked agasp.
Spokesperson Worthy highlighted certain characteristics these quitters have in common so that actual patrons of the Trails can avoid them at all costs. Brand new work-out clothes and a shiny, unused road bike, among other warning signs, should stick out like sore thumbs to the real bicyclists and runners using the Trails as designed. Worthy further recommends the use of jeering comments to dissuade bloodsuckers like these from putting undue stress on one of the city’s most significant urban amenities.