Multiple Sources Confirm Avera, Sanford Not Competing

Two of the state's largest employers confirmed late Sunday that they are not in competition with each other. Grabbing land around Sioux Falls like the city's pioneers once did from the cold dead hands of American Indians, Avera and Sanford health systems stated unequivocally that their respective proposed expansions across the urban landscape are "purely … Continue reading Multiple Sources Confirm Avera, Sanford Not Competing

Bike Trails Brace for Record Unrealized Goals

The more than thirty miles of contiguous bike lanes encircling Sioux Falls expect an unprecedented number of failed health goals this Summer. Michelle Worthy, a spokesperson for the Trails, cited an early warm spell and a projected temperate season for the spike. "Whether it's to lose weight, get in shape, or generally improve health outcomes, … Continue reading Bike Trails Brace for Record Unrealized Goals

BREAKING: State Theater Open This Whole Time

Lacey Donovan, 43, distributed talking points to all available media outlets late this morning to counter rumors, perpetuated for decades, that the State Theater is, has been, or ever will be closed. "Do people not know we're open for business?" Donovan, a volunteer for the historical cinema, pondered in her circular. "I always leave disappointed … Continue reading BREAKING: State Theater Open This Whole Time

Dandelion to Replace Snowflake for Summer Political Season

The Spring thaw brings with it a change in discourse. Harrisburg Tea Party strategist Jarvis Ellersby, 46, appeared giddy during his morning presser. "Just because the snow is melting, it doesn't mean oversensitive, PC liberal yahoos go away for the summer," Ellersby quipped, barely able to contain his jubilation. "Sure, all the unique, one-of-a-kind snowflakes … Continue reading Dandelion to Replace Snowflake for Summer Political Season

Lifelight, Unlikely More Blessed, Ends

Fearing that the festival simply cannot achieve more blessedness, the organizers of Lifelight, the nineteen-years running Christian music festival held each Labor Day weekend outside Sioux Falls, will end the annual tradition this summer. "2016 felt like a peak year for us in terms of being #Blessed," veteran festival organizer Mark Evanston told reporters this … Continue reading Lifelight, Unlikely More Blessed, Ends

Barrel Rider’s Ghost Disappointed with Falls Park

During a posthumous declaration to reporters, the specter of Chester Holmbreck lamented the sad state of what has become the crown jewel of Sioux Falls. "This dastardly green space," the non-entity proclaimed from beyond the void, "with its sullen masses passively observing the scientifically diminished velocity of a once-glorious alluvial wonderment, floods my lifeforce with … Continue reading Barrel Rider’s Ghost Disappointed with Falls Park